The Art of the Succinct Reply

My pal, Ho Lee Zhit, recently groaned while reading a blog post somewhere, "Oh, no. Another 400-pound diva has entered the room!" When I asked for an explanation, Ho Lee remarked that people seem to take themselves (and their pursuits, which they consider an integral part of themselves) very seriously these days, and there's increasing evidence of this on blogs.

So I did a little investigating. Sure enough, I found a plethora of long rants, sniperish bursts, skirmishes, excruciating examinations, analyses, and justifications, and just generally enough hot-air huffing and puffing to contribute to global warming -- if, that is, it were coming out of mouths instead of fingertips.

Umbrage, umbrage everywhere.

Posters, I realized, could easily and effectively make their points with far less expenditure of energy. In the interest of lower blood pressure and unstressed attention spans, I compiled a list of succinct replies to Internet statements that people -- and authors, in particular -- seem to find irritating.

* "Your book sucks."
* "Take it up with God. S/he dictated it; I'm just a stenographer trying to get by on a lousy $125.44 a week."

* "Your book's title sucks."
* "If all you can manage to get through is a book's title, you might consider enrolling in a remedial reading course."

* "Your book's cover sucks."
* "If all you can manage to do is look at pictures, you might consider giving up reading as a hobby."

* "All romance novels are crap."
* "Of course they are. That's why people read them. Life is so unrelentingly fine, we must escape its cloying clutches now and then lest we get spoiled."

* "You're not gay."
* "Yes, I am. And proud of it. If you don't believe me, go fuck yourself. Or Ted Haggard."

* "You're not straight."
* "Yes, I am. I just wish I were gay."

* "You're not bi."
* "Well . . . sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not. It depends on who's sitting next to me at bar close."

* "What you said is offensive."
* "It offends me that you called my statement offensive. I refuse to type another word until you apologize."

Ho Lee Zhit approved of these, saying, "Yep. A hint of diva is better than the whole smelly, vermin-picking gorilla."

Time to Thank Some Nice People

I've been meaning to do this for a while, but the holiday season has been so stuffed with contests, and just plain stuffed with holiday stuff, that I had to hold off.

I'm not on too many people's radar in the romance or e-book communities. It's understandable. I do a lot of genre-hopping (the curse of a restless imagination), have never developed a series (until recently, for Loose Id), don't have anything in print (aside from Acts of the Saints, which is hardly a happy-happy novel and doesn't fit comfortably into any niche), don't attend conventions, am not part of a group blog or any kind of network, still can't afford a website, and generally suck at schmoozing and self-promotion. That's why, on those rare occasions when somebody does pick me out of the crowd, I'm touched and grateful beyond measure.

So deep, deep thanks to CLARE LONDON, the Dark Pearl Diva whose site is my Links section, for taking the time to send me heartening feedback on Looking for Some Touch. And JEANNE BARRACK, who found me after the release of Plagued (and immediately "got" the hero's name!) She'll be guest-blogging for me after the holidays.

More thanks to author SAGE WHISTLER, who chose Looking for Some Touch as one of her favorite reads of the past month, and RAINE at Joyfully Reviewed, whose enthusiasm for my books has been encouraging and heartwarming. Then there's VICKI, without a doubt the most supportive editor I've ever had.

Last but far from least, I'm enormously grateful to my readers, however silent they may be. And thanks to those of you who've taken the time to enrich this blog with thoughtful and thought-provoking comments.

I wish you all the very best in 2009.

Thanks again, JOYFULLY REVIEWED!

Raine at Joyfully Reviewed has graciously designated my Ellora's Cave fantasy, Prince of Glacier Glas, a Recommended Read. Thanks so much, Raine, for this and past reviews.

JR has also given me the "big pink button" (way better than the big pink finger) for Wing and Tongue, which is the first book in this fantasy cycle, as well as Cemetery Dancer (a paranormal from EC), Obsessed (m/m erotic romance from Changeling Press), and Two Out of Three Ain't Bad (a contemporary romance from Cerridwen Press).

How can I not love these people?

"This is bad!" I heaved.

EDITED TO ADD: I have another post, from June 14 of this year and also tagged "language," about dialogue itself--in this case, sex-scene dialogue, which people actually wrote. Really, truly, actually wrote.

My previous blog was, in part, about winning a book when you don't get to choose the book you want to win. Oh, my. I was recently the recipient of a historical romance, issued this year by a major print publisher. Not only was it riddled with anachronisms (e.g., yuk, as an exclamation of disgust; two cents' worth; the last straw), it had the most stupendous, dizzying array of dialogue tags I've ever, EVER seen between two covers, paper or electronic.

What I found most annoying was how seldom characters "asked." Almost invariably, they "queried."

Where have all the good editors gone? Into e-publishing?

As you peruse the list below, keep in mind that each of these words was used as an indicator of a character speaking (like the way I used one of them in my post title). I kid you not. Comma, end quote, tag -- in that order. Many were followed by some rip-roaring adverbs, too, which put extra kinks in my occipital cortex and temporal lobe.

I have to confess I've employed many of these tags myself. Most authors have. "She asked" and "he answered" and "she said" don't go far in the descriptive department. Said-said-said can also wear on a reader's nerves. But . . . but . . .

Well, just check out the list. I doubt it's complete; I surely missed some because, frankly, I did have better things to do. By the way, I didn't bother jotting down the more common and acceptable tags, like "whispered," "murmured," and "replied."

Fellow e-authors: hold your heads high! Keep in mind this attractive trade paperback came from a big, snazzy New York house. Now go get a supersized beverage and settle in.

acquiesced
admonished
advised
affirmed
agreed
announced
apologized
applauded
averred
barked
beckoned
bellowed
beseeched
bit out
blazed
boomed
breathed
cajoled
called
ceded
chastised
chided
chimed in
choked out
chortled
chuckled
commented
concurred
confirmed
continued
corrected
countered
cut in
declared
demanded
denied
derided
elaborated
encouraged
enjoined
exclaimed
explained
exploded
expostulated (Wow!)
faltered
fired back
gasped
greeted
growled
grumbled
heaved
hesitated
hissed
imparted
implored
inquired
insisted
interjected
interrupted
invited
maintained
mewled
mimicked
mused
needled
nodded
offered
ordered
panted
persisted
petitioned
placated
praised
pressed
pressed again
probed
proceeded
prodded
promised
protested
pronounced
purred
pursued
queried
questioned
reasoned
refuted
reiterated
rejoined
remarked
reproved
responded
returned
roared
scoffed
shrugged
sighed
smiled
snarled
sneered
snorted
sobbed
spat
sputtered
stammered
stated
swore
supplied
taunted
tried to agree
vowed
warned
whimpered
yawned

Contest Conundrums

Aside from being a wonderful word you won't likely see in text messages (and that alone is reason enough to make it a wonderful word), a conundrum is often what I face whenever I consider either entering a contest or running one.

Entering Contests. I don't have too much time to enter contests, unless it's quick 'n' easy to throw my name into the hat and/or I really want to win a particular prize. Often, contests just end up pissing me off . . . or making me feel guilty.

That mess now being run at Samhain seriously pissed me off. One day, when I was between chapters of my WIP, I thought I'd give it a go. Shit almighty.

I ended up feeling like the victim of a fraternity hazing. This is supposed to be fun? I kept asking myself as I trolled through fifty effing websites, looking for a certain icon. Worse yet, whenever I found that icon, I usually couldn't read whatever damned title was printed on it!

It was definintely not fun. In fact, it put me in a boycott mood. Before I knew it, I'd wasted many irreplaceable hours and darkened my sunny disposition.

Authors who are cunningly manipulative -- i.e., bury their clues or answers in the bowels of their sites and make entrants click . . . and click . . . and click through endless book lists, blurbs, excerpts, buy links, testimonials, photos, buddy links, blog posts, chuggedychuggedychug -- are not doing themselves any favors. I assume they figure that by trapping entrants within their online labyrinths, said entrants will gobble every word on every page and salivate over covers and be swept into the Land of Awe by that parade of "4" and "5" reviews. NOT. The inconsiderate assumption that readers have nothing better to do with their time than spend it spelunking through linked caverns of self-promotion is, purely and simply, offensive.

Lesson: From now on, as soon as I see a "Scavenger Hunt" that will make me feel like I'm Dumpster diving, I'm gone.

Winning Contests. Over the years, I've won maybe four book giveaways. Total. Only one win, Blind Eye's Tangle anthology, made me sing "Celebration Time." The other three titles weren't of my choosing but were picked -- randomly, I assume -- from groups of books being offered in mass giveaways. (You know how that goes.)

When I have no interest whatsoever in the title I end up with . . . my heart, it sinketh. I always feel obligated to try reading my prize. The least I can do is give it a chance. But I'll tell ya, I've ended up with three stinkers out of four wins, and not being able to get through even the first chapter of a book fills me with guilt.

Lesson: No more entering giveaways unless they're for titles that have piqued my interest or by authors I know are good.

Running Contests. Almost invariably, this is a depressing exercise. I've been doing it on and off for several years now, usually on my publishers' chat loops but sometimes in other places (e.g., TRS, various Yahoo groups, and the like). Two of the three books I've offered through The Romance Studio's Book-a-Day Giveaway were never claimed, even after I sent the wieners big ol' upbeat congratulatory messages. And never once has any winner through any venue emailed me with any kind of feedback -- good, bad, or indifferent. I feel as if I've shot these downloads into black holes.

Lesson: As yet undetermined.

For Your Holiday Pleasure

I'll be guest blogging December 5 at Jenyfer Matthews' place. Jen's a fellow Cerridwen Press author. I've published three contemporary romances through Cerridwen, so, given the time of year, I decided to focus on Mrs. Claws, a romantic comedy that touches on some serious (hell, even philosophical) issues.

Mrs. Claws isn't about glamorous people. No billionaire sheiks or rock stars. It's just a very romantic, funny, and (I believe) thoughtful story about an ordinary woman's attempt to overcome the holiday blues.

For what it's worth, this novel received five angels from Fallen Angel Reviews and five blue ribbons from Romance Junkies. Please join me! (Click on the post title to find Jen's blog.)