HOW NOT TO: Write Dialogue

Now that I've wiped the tears from my eyes, I thought it might be a good time to start a series of learning-through-negative-example writing lessons, courtesy of some fic posted at Litrotica. Oops, sorry, I meant Literotica (http://www.literotica.com/stories/index.php). I'm really a huge fan of this site -- well, some of this site -- as are, apparently, many other pervs . . . uh, readers. So, for any current or aspiring erotica writers, here are a few examples of how NOT to write dialogue in those sizzling stories your hormone-besotted brain is just itching to ooze out into the public domain.

Example 1 - "OHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDD, I'm cumminggggggggggggggg," I screamed loudly as my pussy exploded in wave after wave of crashing orgasms. "Oh, here I cummmmmmmmmmmmmm, God it feels soooooooo gooddddddddddd!"

Comment 1 - Bear in mind it's very difficult for a human being to replicate these "words" without sounding like something other than a human being. You may end up sounding like a foghorn, a woodpecker, a flat tire on a still-moving car . . . but not a person. Then again, if your pussy is exploding, I suppose you're going to make all kinds of weird noises.

Example 2 - "OHHH!! YESSSS!!! HARDER. . . . OH YESSSSSS. . . YESSSS!! OH SWEET LORD! THAT’S SO FUCKING GOOD! YES! YES! YES! OH MY GOD YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! SUCK IT! SUCK IT HARDER! I’M THERE! OH BABY SUCK ME!!! HARD.I’M THERE! AHHH!! AHHH. . . AHHH. . . AHHH. . . AHHH. . . AHHH. . . AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. GODDDDDDDDDDDDD. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
OH THAT"S IT!! YES. OH FUCK YES. OH GOD I'M GOING TO CUM BABY! OH SHIT. EAT ME!! OHHH. . FUCK. . YESSSSS. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
YES. YES! YES! YES! YES! S U C KKKK MEEEEEE. BABYYYYYYY. I’M GOING AGAIN
SUCK ME!! SUCK ME!! SUCK MEW HARDER!! YOU HAVE TO SUCK ME HARDER! HURT ME BABY!!. SUCK ME!! SUCK ME!! SUCK ME!! SUCK ME HARDER!!! OHHH GOD BABY!! HARDER! HARDER! HARDER DAM IT!! OHHH YES!!! LIKE THAT!! JUST LIKE THAT!! AHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHH. YESSSSSSSSSS. JESUS!! THAT’S IT!! OH GOD YES!! THAT"S IT!! YESSSSSSSSSS. YESSSSSSSS. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*** EAT ME!! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! EAT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ***
EAT ME. DAM YOU EAT ME!! OH FUCK YES! OH GOD! THAT’S IT JUST LIKE THAT!! MUMMM!! OH YES! OH YES! IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD BABY.
AHHHHHH MY GOD YES. YES. YES. YES. THAT’S IT. THAT’S IT. I’M CUMMING. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Comment 2 - I'll admit, I did pluck these effusions from different paragraphs and glom them all together, but considering the "story" didn't go beyond several pages, it was pretty well jam-packed with capital letters and exclamation points. (I especially like the line I set off with asterisks; it's what I hear from every piece of chocolate within a ten-mile radius when I'm trying to diet.) Now, what does this manic hollering remind you of? The finest intimate moments you've ever had or imagined? I didn't think so.

Example 3 -

"Hunh," she growled. "Hunh, hunh."
[Her partner, obviously of a different species, must not understand, so she tries a new set of phonemes.]
"Ahhhhhh," she squealed. "ah, ah, ah!"
[Nope. No go. So, instead of vocalizing via the folds in her throat, she tries vocalizing with other body parts.]
"Mmph," said her lips. "Mmph, mmph."
[Damn, still no luck. Maybe a combination . . .]
"Hunh, ahhhh, oh, yes, yes, oh GOD!"
[Success! Uh, but wait. Dig this. Just when she's finally cracked the language barrier . . . ]
"Are you and I done?" she asked.

Comment 3 - Sometimes it's better if characters keep their damned mouths shut -- well, unless they're doing something productive with them.