Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Groaners





Now let's move from the world of science to the world of Jerry's emails. (These are bad. They're really bad. My dictionary, thesaurus, Chicago Manual of Style, and Fowler's Modern English Usage are actually huddled in a corner, cringing.)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubberband pistol was confiscated from a student in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies on the sidewalk and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center read Keep Off the Grass.

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

I warned you!

13 comments:

Tam said...

Well, that was a groany way to start the morning. LOL Have a good one.

wren boudreau said...

Are you searching for things to do? Not enough to keep you busy?

I think I pulled a groan muscle!

K. Z. Snow said...

I just don't have anything worth blogging about.

You can relate, can't you? Hmm?

wren boudreau said...

Hmm. Got me there. You'll have to clue me in to your source for blog-posts-when-blogger-has-nothing!

Go Bears!

:P

K. Z. Snow said...

Oh.
That's right.
You live in Indiana.
Pfff.

Lily said...

LOL hubby asked why I was snickering and so I made him listen as I read them out loud. I think he pulled some muscles with all the eye rolling he did.

Thanks for sharing! :)

K. Z. Snow said...

You're welcome, Lily! Yeah, they're so outrageous you can't help but do the combination groan-snicker-eyeroll. Hope your hubby recovers soon. :-D

wren boudreau said...

But I'm REALLY a Steelers fan!

Chris said...

*groan*

K. Z. Snow said...

Y'know, Wrenboo, I was just saying to JLA that I'd love to see the Steelers and Packers in the Super Bowl -- two legendary teams from unassuming, blue-collar cities. It wouldn't send me spiraling into depression if the Pack lost to Pittsburgh.

But Chicago? I don't know if you guys get the heavy Illini Invasion we get up here, but way too many Chicagoans are super-pricks. (Not all, of course, but a LOT.) Hard to like a team when a bunch of rude, obnoxious asshats are cheering for it.

wren boudreau said...

Ah. I'm happy to say that my Chicago-born beloved isn't one of those pricks.

We are hoping for a Bears-Steelers Bowl. I have a terrible towel somewhere!

K. Z. Snow said...

Of course he isn't one of the pricks. If he were, he'd be in Wisconsin.

wren boudreau said...

:)