By our letters and special symbols shall ye know us.

I'm not sure how this came about and even less sure why it's necessary, but in recent years, somebody somewhere decided to identify non-heterosexuals through letters and symbols. The process started simply enough, with GLBT. Then Q was added. Then a Q with an asterisk or two. Then another Q, and an I. (When I first saw Q*, I admit I was totally mystified. All I could think of was queer with a fetish for footnotes. Sorry, but I honestly had no clue what it meant.)

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm quickly losing track of the floats in this typographical parade.

Who, exactly, is dreaming this stuff up? Is there a Nonheterosexual Denomination Committee somewhere? And why haven't non-Caucasians adopted this system? More to the point, why would anybody want to be identified in such a way, rather than as an individual?

If this goes on, the PC police (who, I imagine, have a Top Secret facility somewhere near Area 51) will soon have us typing something like the following to indicate Nhet persons -- and fill us with guilt for being unconscionably insensitive if we don't.

B!B( )B=L:-}3L~I?TT/XX-->XYTT/XY-->XXT...T-$XX%*X%*GRRRHEHEHOHOMWOo }{+&#GQG<3G

Here are the meanings of the abbreviations. Commit them to memory. There will certainly be more to come. (Note: You can combine these as you see fit, and add V where necessary to indicate "virgin" or A to indicate "autoerotic.")

B! (bisexual with a preference for men)
B( ) (bisexual with a preference for women)
B= (bisexual with no distinct preference)
L;-} ("lipstick" lesbian)
L~ ("butch" lesbian)
I (intersex/middlesex)
? (undecided; fluid)
FT/XX-->XY (fully transitioned female to male)
FT/XY-->XX (fully transitioned male to female)
T... (transition in progress)
T-$ (can't afford transition but identifies as other gender)
X (cross-dresser)
X% (drag queen)
*X%* (especially egotistical/flamboyant drag queen)
[The following are optional variations of/additions to G, mostly.]
GRRR (bear)
HEHE (twink)
HOHO (slut)
M (top)
W (bottom)
O (prefers oral)
o (prefers anal)
}{ (prefers frottage)
+ (sub, likes bondage)
& (sub, likes rope bondage)
# (sub, likes pain)
GQ (slave to fashion)
G$ (gay for pay)
<3g (female readers and writers of m/m romance who wish they could be gay men)

Now, I think I'll just sit  back and await the arrival of the FMs: