Friday, July 20, 2012

Creative Name-calling: a Rally Cry

Authors and readers need to hone their name-calling skills. It reflects poorly on us when spectators in the Coliseum of Controversy see the same overused epithets -- so tired they hardly pack a glancing touch, much less a wallop -- and the same meaningless amalgams of body parts, growths, fluids, and/or functions.

Troll, homophobe, idiot, hater, asshole, asshat, ass pimple, jerk, scumbag, bigot, troll, douche, douche bag, douche nozzle, sexist pig, misogynist, shamer, blamer, hypocrite, apologist, shit-stirrer, sack of shit, piece of shit, pus bucket, bottom feeder, fuckwad, troll, douche, TROLLDOUCHE SLIMY RESIDUE!


Come on, people, get creative! Start strutting your literary stuff! Any butt-garden dingleberry of an adolescent texter or MySpace gifaholic can toss out terms like the ones above (except maybe misogynist and apologist, although they've still been worn the hell out by book people). So how about:

Jungle rot at the heart of darkness!
Deformed sperm of a demon-spawned sperm whale!
Distillation of the stink at the Canterbury pilgrims' cracks and crotches!
Scarlet alphabet!
Embittered and aging Lolita!
Bestial wet-dream of Sancho Panza!
Blast of Bovary's arsenic breath!
Dirty, calloused finger of a Bradbury fireman!

See? It requires no effort, just a little thought. Your audiences would be so much more entertained -- and end up educated, to boot!

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