Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Penis Mightier Than the Sword

Who said that?

I'll tell you later.

Now, who said the following?

1. Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken.

2. In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.

3. (This one is from the "Duh, ya think so?" files.) Psychopaths have faulty brain connections, scientists find

4. I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.

5. Good things come to those who find 'em and shove 'em in their mouth.

6. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

7. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

8. Most editors are failed writers -- but so are most writers.

9. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

10. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

11. Sex is interesting, but it's not totally important. I mean it's not even as important, physically, as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.

12. Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

Have a beer while you don't give these too much thought. Because "beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" (according to Benjamin Franklin, and I tend to agree).


1. Oscar Wilde
2. Mark Twain
3. Reuters news service, 08-07-09
4. Clarence Darrow
5. Templeton the Rat, Charlotte's Web
6. Humphrey Bogart
7. Harlan Ellison (classic sci fi author)
8. T. S. Eliot (no shit!)
9. Robert Bloch (author of Psycho, among many other works)
10. Henny Youngman (American comedian)
11. Charles Bukowski (American poet)
12. Woody Allen

The post title came from none other than Mark Twain, the source of some of my favorite lines EVER, and a far more salacious gent than most people realize.

Share some of your favorites!


Tam said...

Holy hell, #11 made me laugh out loud in my office. Thanks for that. I don't think anyone heard me. Whew.

#5 made me snicker like a 12 year old boy. Sigh.

K. Z. Snow said...

Glad you got to chuckle, Tam. Coming across memorable quotes has always delighted me.

Jeanne Barrack said...

One of my favorites is a little poem:

You can -- but you can't
You will - but you won't
You'll be damned if you do
You'll be damned if you don't

I have no idea who wrote this

Tam said...

Happy Thanksgiving KZ. Hope you have a wonderful day with family and friends.

Tam said...

Ooops, forgot my Thanksgiving quote for your quote post.

The thing I'm most thankful for right now is elastic waistbands. ~Author Unknown

K. Z. Snow said...

Thanks, Tam. Between cooking, eating, cleaning up, and hustling Christmas decorations from the garage, I'm POOPED!

Elastic waistbands attached to sweatpants, my dear. (Thank goodness I didn't have to dress up today!)

jessewave said...

It's 3.30 A.M and I was feeling depressed then I read this post and laughed until I almost peed myself.

K. Z. Snow said...

Well ferdacryingoutloud, Wave, the reason you almost wet yourself was that you were up nearly until dawn, and that was your wake-up pee!

I'm sorry to hear you were feeling down. Hope it's nothing serious.

Lea Sinclair said...

"Of course,clothing makes the man. Naked people have no real influence in society." Mark Twain

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." — Mark Twain

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." --Abraham Lincoln leg.

"I adore adverbs; they are the only
qualifications I really much respect." Henry James

"Critics are to authors what dogs are to lamp-posts." — W.C. Fields

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."--Albert Einstein

"We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. " -- Ambrose Bierce

"I will take pen and ink and write my mind." -- William Shakespeare

K. Z. Snow said...

Good ones, Lea! I adore W. C. Fields...and particularly like that quote. ;-)

Lea Sinclair said...

I can't sleep. I hate Mondays after a holiday. I hope you had a terrific holiday, KZ.
Mine was pretty dang terrific. I stayed just long enough with my family to appreciate why I live five states away from them.

K. Z. Snow said...

"I stayed just long enough with my family to appreciate why I live five states away from them."


Mine was quiet. Dinner at home. That's the way we like things -- no travel, no fuss. I hope all those years of schlepping around are finally behind me.