Most Excellent Weener of 2009!

Bet you thought Kris and I forgot about my contest earlier this month at the DIK blog (you can see what it was about by clicking on the post title).

WRONG. We don't forget anything -- except how to mind our manners on occasion. We both got caught up in other things.

An incredible entry came in -- not merely a dashed-off paragraph, but a whole flippin' short story. It made me laugh! It made me groan! It made me want to celebrate creativity! So I did just that by cracking open a beer. (Oh wait; maybe it was the sun setting that made me crack open a beer. Doesn't take much.)

If Kris isn't too busy doing unmentionable things with battery-operated devices under the Christmas tree, she should have this masterpiece posted at her blog for your enjoyment.

The Most Excellent Weener of 2009 will have her choice of one of my series. However, if she's read my series books or just plain doesn't want to be inundated with three novels/novellas that don't interest her, she can opt to wait for a free download of Utopia-X, Book 4: Finding Utopia, coming January 5 from Loose Id, or she can choose anything from my backlist.

Oh, and that reminds me. I want to slip in a quick apology for not offering something at Wave's Christmas Eve giveaway. I'm afraid I didn't know about it. So I wasn't being Scroogey; I was just uninformed. (Story of my life!)

Now, without further ado, here's the Kris 'n' KZ Most Excellent Weener of 2009!

Few of you know this, but Tam is a woman of many accomplishments. I'm not at liberty to discuss some of them, since they have to do with Canadian government secrets (and we all know how deeply into espionage, intrigue, and widespread international hell-raising the Canadians are), but I can share at least one with you. Based on her experience, savvy, and keen eye for beautiful underage young men, Tam has garnered the much coveted leadership of the CCC or Canadian Cougars Club:

Impressive, eh? Small wonder Tam won our award.

Well, she'd better get here soon. Somebody else is waiting for her . . .

Santas Who Like "Naughty"

FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA-LA-LA . . .

{SIGH}

Because everybody needs some Christmas romance...

And a nice man-chest doesn't hurt, either.

This is the only Christmas story I've ever written -- actually, it's a category-length novel -- and I like it a lot. Mrs. Claws is sweet and funny. Even the sex is sweet and often funny: no netherlips, no engorged body parts or oozing juices. The hero and heroine are in their forties. A dwarf (as in little person) serves as both nemesis and matchmaker. In addition, the story includes a couple of icky exes, a damned nice son, a bevy of meddlesome girlfriends, an obnoxious kid who gets his comeuppance, and a nifty set of false fingernails.

Just in case I've managed to pique your curiosity, here's a blurb. You can find the book at Cerridwen Press by clicking on the post title.

* * * * *

What’s a female Grinch to do when the holidays are fast approaching, and all she has to celebrate is the fact her husband has left her for a twit and she's dated sixteen -- no, make that seventeen -- losers since her divorce? She can apply for a job playing Mrs. Santa Claus, of course! And what happens when one of those seventeen losers is playing Santa opposite her, at a huge shopping mall no less? Well, it ain't pretty. In Mrs. Claws, or The Nightsweats Before Chirstmas Lauren Elizabeth Rose Snyder Rose struggles to maintain her sanity, do her job, reclaim some Christmas spirit . . . and, just maybe, find love in the process.

Coming to a Pig Near You

TeddyPig of The Naughty Bits blog, an out and outspoken gay man with a pretty remarkable life story, has been running a series of fascinating posts featuring m/m authors and their "Five Faves." These are books the authors particularly admire or works that led up to/influenced their writing of gay fiction. (As all or most of you know, Teddy's also an avid reader and occasional reviewer.)

I was honored when he asked me to contribute. You'll be able to peruse my patchwork of influences on Thursday, December 17. Click on the post title to get there.

Of Santa Cheese and Lederhosen

Or, "What KZ Loves About Living in Wisconsin"



First, of course, there's this: ===============>



Just thought I'd get that out of the way before proceeding.

Lately, I've needed something to counteract the snoldrums (doldrums brought on by a superabundance of snow too early in the season), and I found it today on the local news.

Santa Claus got a makeover! Thanks to Sarah Kaufman, a most talented cheese carver, the Jolly Old Elf has been rendered in golden, aromatic detail from a 640-lb. block of cheddar. He's currently spreading his joy at a Milwaukee-area supermarket.

Muppets, make way for Uncle Mike! Decked out in Lederhosen and toting an accordion, this middle-aged pedophile dork gentleman uses polka music to teach children about hygiene, among other things. (Yes, hygiene; that's what he said.) Why wasn't he around when I was growing up? I love polkas! I so would've paid attention.

So here, just for YOU, is Uncle Mike and his sidekick, Lumberjack Doug, teaching children "what it's really like to be a lumberjack" via the "Jolly Lumberjack Polka." (Damn, I didn't know a lumberjack could cut down a massive, ancient oak with a crosscut handsaw. Those are some badass dudes! But don't you kind of like it when he shows his vulnerable side -- I think you know which side I mean -- and falls down on his knees? Then bounces back up with a big ol' smile on his face?)

Holiday Blog Tour & the Great Blizzard of '09

Welcome to my stop on Liquid Silver's Holiday Hotties Blog Tour! You should've arrived here via Roscoe James's post.

Whether you're in the Yukon or Yuma, may you enoy the best this magical season has to offer. I realize my tree is a little bare (*ahem*), but I don't like 'em with a lot of tinsel. ;-)

As you all know, snow is a common occurence in the upper reaches of the northern hemisphere. Those of us forced to spend the winter in these places sometimes get socked with a whole big bunch of snow in a short period -- the dreaded blizzard. From Tuesday night through Wednesday, we Wisconsinites got it but good.

Those beautiful white crystals fell with a vengeance and piled as high as two feet. Then came high winds, leading to blowing, massive drifting, and power outages. Then came frigid cold.

We knew it was coming and so could prepare for the blast. But once you're stocked up and hunkered down . . . then what?

Different people do different things on bad-weather days. Some simply proceed with business as usual, or try to. Others like to play in whatever mess Nature is delivering, or immediately set to work cleaning it up (like my SO, out at daybreak with his plow and snowblower, even as the stuff was coming at him horizontally).

But the true and perhaps only joy of a blizzard, I think, is the excuse it gives people to lie around -- with each other, music, a book, a movie, a stock of snackfood. The excuse it gives us just to burrow into a bed or couch or recliner, enjoy the cozy warmth, and drift away . . .

Me? I write. Then I tramp outside to check the birdfeeders, come back in, and write some more. Once my mind begins to yawn, I pop in a movie or turn on a favorite TV show and then lie around, dog at my side. The men in the house, I figure, can keep the woodstove filled.

All in all, it's a sweet retreat.

So how do you like to spend bad-weather days? Are you a sleeper, a reader, an artist or crafter, an adventurer?

And remember, my prize for the blog tour is a free download of any title from any publisher. They're all conveniently and clickably listed farther down the left sidebar. Now hie thee to Ella Drake's blog -- http://elladrake.blogspot.com/. (The nice thing about cyberspace is that you don't have to worry about spinning out and ending up in a ditch!)

If this is a teenage heart-throb . . .

I'm glad I'm a mature woman. UGH!

Who smashed his nose, carved off most of his upper lip, stitched his eyelids nearly shut, made his lips redder than Castanet's, and crushed his head into the shape of an inverted isoceles triangle? Imagine a writer of romance using this kid as the model for a hero. Seriously, I wouldn't know how to describe him in flattering terms!

Although Tay seemed to be on the mend from an aborted experiment by Victor Frankenstein, he was still the hottest twink in --

No. No, it just wouldn't work!

My fear for the younger generation seems to be more justified by the day. {{{shudder}}}

Edited to add: look at the one Tam found--and she claims he's legal! Now this is a proper fantasy man. (Yay, Tam!)

Gorgon Pussy, Cyclops Vagina

Jonathan Littell, an American writer and winner of the Prix Goncourt (France's highest literary honor), has just received a new accolade. His novel The Kindly Ones is the winner of the Literary Review's 2009 Bad Sex in Fiction Award. And how very well deserved, this prize.

Littell compares a woman's privates to "a Gorgon's head" and "a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks." (Guess he's never heard of queefs, which certainly come with some vibration.) Then the fool goes on to make the analogy even more egregious: "If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my cock remained inert; I seemed turned to stone."

Oh ferdachrissakes.

Now, any good editor would have asked (aside from the obvious question, Are you fucking high?) "Don't you realize you're mixing your mythological metaphors? The Gorgon and the Cyclops are two very different creatures. What's more, if the narrator couldn't get it up, how could he feel he'd turned to stone? Doesn't stone imply a really, really HARD dick? And, while we're on the subject, don't use 'get hard' and 'hardened in the fire' in the same sentence; it's an awkward and amateurish instance of repetition."

I suppose it isn't fair to pull these passages out of context, but I can't help wondering if it's typical of male "literary" authors to dream up such strained and repugnant images of female genitalia. I've read similarly weird comparisons before. How can gynecologists do their jobs without fleeing in horror from examining tables?

Nurse: "Doctor, what's wrong? Your patient is waiting with her feet in those cold stirrups!"

Doctor O. D. Seus: "By the gods, I can't bear to go near another pudendum writhing with serpents! And that cunt eye, it keeps staring at me!"

Nurse: "Well, doctor, all you need do is overcome the law of inertia, turn your flaccid weenie into a stake, and poke that eye out. Want me to help?"

Seus: "But what about those damned snakes? The fuckers bite!"

Nurse (sighing): "I can tell you're fresh out of medical school. Don't you keep a mongoose in your instrument cabinet?"

FOOTNOTE: Castanet Feldman served as the model for the Gorgon photo.

Well, well, look who, or what, came through...

Seeing as this cake was handmade by Kris, I believe I shall have to . . . eat it. See y'all later. Much later.

Hot Diggity ~ I'm a Bestseller!

Well, this doesn't mean too much, just as most "bestselling author!" claims don't mean diddly once you start getting to the bottom of them, but I've never before had this minor distinction. It appears that for an undoubtedly fleeting while, Bastards and Pretty Boys has been Liquid Silver's bestselling title at ARe (that's All Romance eBooks). LSB doesn't have hundreds and hundreds of books there -- somewhere between 130 and 140, I'd guess -- but at least one of mine temporarily made it to the top of the pile.

You can check on this claim if you want, but it's kind of a pain in the butt. You have to do a "publisher" search by entering Liquid Silver in the box, then, once you get to their listings, click on the "bestselling" tab. But frickin' do it FAST, because I'll probably be bumped from the spot within a day . . . or even hours.

I'm really, really grateful to the readers who gave me this birthday present. Really grateful.



But -- YO! -- what's with this shit? Somebody stole Hosea Booker and put him in a different time and a different place and . . . and . . . saddled him with a woman! No, that's not going to work.

A Very Merry Wet Birthday to Me!

I like men who are nicely put together. I especially like nicely put-together men when they are wearing very little or nothing and get drenched. Not with some gooey, gloppy crap like cocktail sauce or orange marmalade, but with water. It's a sleek, transparent liquid, and that's what The Wetness of Beautiful Men is all about.

So, although I'm a few hours early, here's my gift to me and you, sweeties, as I celebrate being a pervy cougar.

Of course, you-know-who (on the left) just had to appear in this artistic photo study. Imagine those lips slicked with fresh water. The tousled hair and look of arrogance only make him even more seductive, don't you think? Well, it really doesn't matter what you think, because it's my birthday!

Here are some more wet hotties or hot wetties or whatever term you prefer for one of the most eye-pleasing wonders on the planet.

Notice the man in the sink. He's digging it. Head back, nips hard, legs spread. Oh yeah. Nothing like a big baby boy with a sprayer.

Now check out Sir Sopping below. He's trying to mimic Nathan. Not bad, but . . . dream on, sweet twink. You're emulating the king!

I like this last pic a lot.

SIGH (I'm almost too damned weak to crack open a beer. Almost.)