Sunday, February 28, 2010


These aren't really heavy or depressing ones, just some that have popped into my mind in the past week or so.

  • Do Chinese men get English words tattooed on their bodies?

  • Why do so many erotic romance authors have stripper names?

  • How many times can the word cock be used in a sex scene before you begin to think the author maybe gets a little gooey around the gonads every time s/he types it?

  • How come Google can't figure out which alerts actually pertain to me?

  • Do a lot of people have incomprehensibly shitty taste, in all kinds of things, or is it just me?

  • Why do I watch "Project Runway" and "Top Chef" considering I nearly flunked home ec and can't stand either sewing or cooking?

  • Why did JLA tell me I have "worms" just because I ate hot fudge straight out of the jar? What kind of worms do I have? (Yes, this exchange actually took place. Of course, the accusation came from a man who thinks there's a state in the Union called "Massatooshits" and Holland is an island.)

  • How come the psychic mediums who aid in police investigations can never actually solve crimes? (Medium: "It happened in this room. I can feel her fear as his hands close around her neck." Cop: "Don't tell us shit we already know! Tell us whose fucking hands!")

  • Why don't skunks smell bad to themselves?

  • Why can't I suppress a grimace when I see certain people, like Pat Sajak, Hugh Hefner, Bill Murray, Quentin Tarantino, Kathy Griffin, David Letterman, Rod Stewart, Conan O'Brien, and dozens of others? Why do their looks make me shiver in a bad way? I have no reason to dislike them--I never met them--and it isn't that they're all uglier than a bag of unwashed scrotums. But my face just goes into lemon-suck mode when I see them. This doesn't happen when I look at, say, Keith Richards, who is uglier than a bag of unwashed scrotums . . . with all the tolerable ones picked out. Really, it's a peculiar phenomenon.

I could go on and on, because I wonder about a lot of things, but I'll stop now. What do you wonder about?


Tam said...

Ah, you made me laugh on a Monday morning. No easy feat. But I feel compelled to ease your soul with answers.

1) yes, because young men are dumb no matter what culture.

2) Cause everyone knows strippers know more about hot sex than almost anyone, except hookers. If you can do it, you can write it.

3) I think 7.5 is the max. That link? Too many. Maybe the author didn't have a thesaurus?

4) Cause google is dumb.

5) Yes

6) Because you like the drama and you keep hoping one of the top Chefs will create a masterpiece out of Kraft mac and cheese and Oscar Meyer wieners that you can duplicate.

7) Ummm. He's dumb?

8) Ha!

9) You allowed me to send my daughter off to school with that image of Keith Richards seared onto her retinas. Thanks for that. :-D

As a side note: Holy shit, that guy's body on the sidebar in that link is mutant. More frightening than Keith.

Word veri: conedom - for guys with really pointy dicks (I've been getting some good ones lately)

Chris said...

Seeing that picture of Keith Richards at this time of day (or really, any time of day).... eep.

You are cruel.

K. Z. Snow said...

Sorry about Keith. Yeah, he does look like he belongs in a George Romero movie.

Thanks for the answers, Tam. ;-)

("Curedis" is Keith's challenge to the medical profession. HA!)

Jenre said...

That pic of Keith Richards reminds me of those bog men that they find preserved in peat for 1000s of years. *shudder*

K. Z. Snow said...

:-D :-D :-D

Perfect description, Jen! You sure you're not a closet writer?

Mem said...

How did I miss this? Okay, here goes.

#1 Ha, ha! Makes me want to ask the next tattooed emo-kid I see.
#2 Isn't it the silliest thing? Like, "Buy my work! I'm sexy!"
#3 I actually worry about this a lot. Cock is about the only word I have to use in sex scenes. I mean, dick and prick both sound so negative as in, "Stop dicking around," and "Don't be such a prick!"
#4 If you find out, let me know!
#5 Hmmm, this must be a rhetorical question.
#6 Wishful thinking!
#7 Hmmm, I'm not sure I get the question?
#8 Ha, ha, ha! Good point!
#9 I love skunks. They're so cute. Of course I've never been sprayed. #10 bag of unwashed scrotums . . . with all the tolerable ones picked out. Whoa, what a deliriously, vividly, disgusting image! I applaud you.

Jeanne Barrack said...

You are one sick, weird puppy, Mz. KZ.
Keith Richards ..EUW any time of day.

K. Z. Snow said...

And I applaud you, Val, for attempting to answer my questions! (Obviously, some are too entwined with my life for anybody to understand.) But seriously, don't you ever find yourself wondering about things -- sometimes, really stupid things? This stuff just pops in and out of my head on a daily basis.

K. Z. Snow said...

Well, Jeanne, my mind, it doth runneth amok! (A pleasant break, actually, from the discipline of writing and editing.)